I always knew that there were women body builders, you know those overly tan women that looked exactly like the men on stage? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Up until a few years ago I thought that's all there was. I was under the impression that there were "toned" women, athletes, and "bodybuilders" I ran across an account on facebook that would drastically change the direction of my goals. It was a woman, who lifted huge weights and didn't look like a man. She did fitness competitions and little did I know there were different classes! Different types of goals, different types of bodies. I was instantly obsessed. I found that I was drawn to the bikini category. Bikini is less muscle, a higher body fat. The emphasis is on looking feminine with balance and shape. That is exactly what I had been dreaming about. I wanted that. The bodies were amazing! In the back of my mind for 4 years I've had dreams of getting to that place. I wanted to try that. I've had some frustrations about it though, I have a pretty big frame. How was I ever going to get that small, and was it even attainable? So I paired up with my gym buddy, got up at 6 am and made our way across the state to see a show in real life! I had to see what these women looked like for real. Not through selective picture posts, not through IG filters.

Just like that, I lost my enchantment for the bikini competitors, I mean they were all beautiful, you could see hours of dedication on each of their frames, but it didn't hit me right in the guts like I thought it would.

UNTIL, UNTIL the figure competitors came out. This is it! These women had what I wanted! There were biceps and triceps a plenty, quads and glutes galore, you want abs? they've got plenty.

I found myself more enamored with each passing minute. This seemed attainable for whatever reason. I'm going to do this! I'm realistic and honest with myself that it is going to take a while, that I have hormonal disturbances that create major problems and that I'm busy, but I am going to do this! Maybe it will take me 6 months, maybe it will take me 2 years? I don't get to know.


I want to see what my body is capable of. I want to see that my mind is strong enough to control my body. My body, my injuries, my thyroid have been in the control seat for the last 5 years, and I'm done.

I once heard something to the effect that there is no greater travesty than to live your life never knowing what you are capable of, and that is where I am at. There it is. That's a huge statement, but I'm training to do a competition.

I feel like I just came out of the bodybuilding closet. Stay tuned, I feel like this is going to be a wild ride.


I was in an internet "debate" this week about a woman who was
pointing out the word ‘fat’ has become synonymous with ‘ugly’. When in all reality it is a descriptor. The women in this post was indeed overweight. She acknowledged to being fat but that doesn’t mean she was degrading herself. The negative stigmas that society has placed on the word fat are amazingly plentiful.

Here are my thoughts, we can all agree that being overweight may and often does lead to medical or secondary issues. But who gets to be the dictator on what is the ideal weight? Some argue BMI and other are adamantly opposed to it. Skin calipers to test fat pinches may be a way to go but what doctor will take the time to do that for all their patients? And in the end the weight loss choice as to be from within the individual themselves to want to change.

Maybe the ‘fat’ debacle touches a nerve with me more than it does other people because I have seen how bad it hurts. I may have never been in the ‘fat’ category but I have family who were overweight. I have friends who have clung to the society "ideal" weight. I have watched people emotionally berate themselves because they don’t look like the magazines. Constantly watching the numbers on the scale as if it went up they were a horrible person. As if the only thing that should matter was their relation to gravity. It is painful to watch and I  can only imagine how painful it is to experience.

I had an aunt I was very close with. She had a disease, called Amyloid that was in her heart and other major organs. She was told she was not to exercise or even walk for prolonged periods of time. To do so could kill her. She had a scooter that she would ride around while we window shopped in the mall. The looks that people would give her, glaring, whispering, snickering and general judging were maddening even at my young age of the time. She did her best to ignore them but you could see her become a little more self-conscious and turn a little more judgement internally to herself. It never stopped her from hanging out with us nieces though. Even when she had to bring the oxygen tank with her.

Sure, she isn’t the majority. But that does not matter. What matters is, you don’t know where someone has been. You don’t know what they are going through. Maybe they are fat and too afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Maybe they don’t know where to start and feel so overwhelmed they give up before they begin. Maybe they abuse food a lot like an alcoholic abuses alcohol. You don’t KNOW and it’s none of your business.

Remember the power your words and body language possess. I struggle with my own inward judgement I don’t need any help from outside sources. Be gentle to yourself and to others. Remember the power of words, they can either make or break someone. You are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are powerful and you CAN do it.

Squat Proof Pants

Ok ladies this one is for you. SQUAT PROOF PANTS! You see her over there in the cutest white geometric Lululemon pants, Gawd you love those pants, next time you have $450 to spend on spandex, you are getting those! You start to mosey over towards her to ask where she got them and as she drops down into the perfect squat...



This is a real problem. Now, don't get me wrong. Dress as you please. If you have bangin' legs and you want to rock some tiny Nike shorts DO IT! If you don't have bangin' legs and want to rock some tiny Nike shorts DO IT! If you want to wear a full sweat suit to the gym, and you don't die of heat exhaustion DO IT! but the thing about see through pants is that we don't know. Nobody is flaunting butt cheek on purpose.

Here is how I came to the realization that I had too much butt to shove into sheer pants: As a sweet little weird gift for my 8th anniversary I got my husband signature tattooed on my bottom butt cheek. (I'm weird, and I like to live dangerously) Its thin lines, but it is black. I am doing some kettlebell squats at home when I hear my kids friend say "is your moms butt tattooed?" I set my bell down and go squat in front of the mirror! OMG YOU CAN SEE BOTH OF MY BUTT CHEEKS! YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE FRECKLES ON MY BUTT! Needless to say, i only wear those pants at home now.

Here is what we are going to do. Go home and pull out your stack of workout pants, and grab a gym buddy. Put each pair on and squat, lift, pull your legs over your head, try to do the splits and have your gym BFF stare at your lady lumps? Make sure you do this either under florescent lights or out in the sun to mimic gym lighting. Is the answer yes? Cool. Now you know. And, really wear them if you love them, maybe they are the pants that you wear when you know you are going to need a spotter, or you want to spend your gym sesh chatting with strange dudes? Now, Head over to your friends house to do the same with her stack of pants.

Secondly, SQUAT IN THE DRESSING ROOM! I cant stress this enough, workout pants can run upwards or $90, but even if you are only spending $20, it is $20 wasted if you get them home and cant wear them because your goods are playing peek-a-boo through the fabric. Work those pants before you buy them, again lift your legs, spin around. These are athletic pants they should hold you in.

Finally, if you have a bunch of pants that you love and they look like nylons when you bend over and you dont want to give them up go invest in a pair or two of the spandex shorts that we used to wear in grade school under our dresses to play. They are thin and tight. They will provide a barrier and make you feel confident in your clothes again. It is hard to go to the gym and even if no one is actually looking at you, we all feel like we are on display and vulnerable under all the lights and mirrors. The last thing we are shooting for is to show the meathead over there our butt freckles.

Sweet Tooth

I love sweets and baked goods. All kinds; scones, brownies, rice crispy treats, ice cream, cake, candy bars, all of it. Unfortunately, these items are not very conducive to fitting in the macro plan. Don’t get me wrong, I *can* make them fit. But I cannot make them fit in the quantity I want and sometimes not if I actually want to eat other things for the day. Having this knowledge does not make my sweet tooth disappear. 

If it isn’t bad enough that I love sweets, I hate anything sweetened with low calorie anything. Stevia is frickin’ gross, in my humble opinion. I have tried so hard. I read a recipe and think "let’s give it a whirl as written". And then Stevia happens. I force myself to eat it because I have already logged that crap into MFP and I refuse to recalculate. But it is far from the "treat" I was supposed to be indulging in!

I have found myself a little ray of sunshine that helps to fill the sweet tooth urge as well as the snacky urge. You know the snackies? Where you sit and shovel something in your mouth, it has a good crunch, flavor and is great for grazing over time. What helps me is dry cereal. The sugary, forbidden cereal of your youth is great. If I were to put milk on it I would power through and then be left bummed I only had one cup but dry takes more work but is still very tasty!

The two that I have on the shelf right now are Trix and Cookie Crisp. I can usually fit about half to one cup into my macros a day. It’s visually pleasing to see that much cereal in a Ziploc. My tip is to measure it out and then immediately put the box in an inconvenient location. That way your grazing will not overflow to the whole box.

I enjoy my cereal, typically, after lunch or dinner. That way I am not starving and I am getting that dessert feeling that I crave to fill. Sometimes I spread it out over time. Sometimes I plow through my rations stuffing them as fast as I can into my food hole. It really just depends how I am feeling but either way I feel pretty awesome about the fact it fits in my macros AND it’s sweet!



I have this aura about me that I like to portray that I am a bad ass and "I don't need nobody". Its funny that I like to play like I'm some tough guy that can do everything on my own, but truly I'm kind'ove a baby and possibly co-dependent. Ironically I ended up in the last week with two different gym buddies. One for days with the trainer and one for my other 3 lifting days. I had a feeling that a gym partner would be some dead weight that I would have to carry when I struggle on my own.



I would highly encourage everybody to see if you have someone in your fitness life that helps you! Someone to notice your gains, someone to spot your amazing PR's someone to tell you your new gym pants are not squat proof and the goods are peeping through.

My gym buddies look like this: I have one friend that is new-ish to lifting so I get to mother her. Show her all the fun stuff that I do with the trainer and watch her gains blossom into beautiful quads and get to share in the whiny DOMS texts the next day.

My other gym partner is by no means a fitness novice. Her and I lift similar amounts and have enough pride between us to fill the chalk bucket -pushing us to try a little harder (I have about 8 inches and 30lbs on her so truly she is winning because she is tiny)

and I have a cyber gym buddy that trains at the same gym, we get to chat about all the torturous things Mike is having us do and share hilarious gym memes and macro delights.

There are many reasons to find a gym buddy. First of all they help you to reach your fitness goals. Social support is a touch stone to progress in any area of your life, so if you have somebody that is going through it you are more likely to persevere rather than just quit when it gets hard. Secondly, it is easier to try new things. If you are apprehensive to try that crazy machine making a good time of it and laughing together when someone falls out of it and hits their face (usually me) Its less scary in the beginning to do things out of your comfort zone. One of the most important things about lifting is form, if your form is bad often times youd be better off to just not do the movement at all! Having a buddy in tow is a good way to have someone assure that you are not breaking your back lifting all the things.

If you are just getting into fitness or if you've been here forever, survey your crew. See if you can either find someone to lead or someone to walk beside you. There is strength in numbers

Set a Goal

I have always done better when I have some sort of motivation out in front of me. I mean sure I can change things for me but it’s sooooo easy to slack off. Sure, I want abs but I also want stuffed crust pizza.

A friend of mine mentioned she wanted to compete in a bikini competition. I secretly did too but was too chicken to do it alone. I told her if she would do it then I would do it. We agreed to give ourselves a year to gain the courage and the bodies we would feel comfortable prancing around in sparkly underpants in front of a room full of strangers.

I acknowledged that I would be doing this competition but it was still easy to slack off. I didn’t have a date or anything penciled in on my calendar yet. It wasn’t set in stone, I had plenty of time to sneak in a snickers and binge on the kids chocolate cat cookies. But now, there is an actual date. Just a save the date for now but there is a target. It is a bit of a scary thought. I am committed to doing this and I will be going. Keeping the date in the back of my mind has helped me keep my taste buds from rampaging and killing my progress.

Don’t get me wrong I still go out to eat and have totally went over on my macros. I am not perfect (don’t tell my husband that I said that). BUT I haven’t gone “dark”. When I go dark I fall into deep dark pit of food. A downward spiral of reckless abandon and fried cheese. I record nothing, I regret nothing and my progress stalls.   

Signing up for runs and competitions helps me keep on track. Right now I have a half marathon in two weeks. I should be out running 8 miles but instead I am looking at my other chores and doing those, I am procrastinating. But I will go for a run today because I paid to run 13.1 miles and I don’t want to feel like I am dying while doing so. And because I will be competing in a bikini competition I will not let my love of sweatpants, Netflix and ice cream derail my progress. I might not work out every morning as planned but I will get something in at some point. I won’t go dark and I will track my poor food choices.

All of you that read this blog get to help hold me accountable to that. Heaven knows I will need all the help I can get on this journey.