The hardest breakup of MY LIFE

The hardest breakup of MY LIFE

This is my morning. Wake up, pee, weigh myself, get a cup of coffee, check my phone, weigh myself again 3 times in a row juuuuust to make sure it is right. Then proceed on with my day. I am super prone to wild fluctuations, I can eat a piece of pizza and gain 8 lbs. No Joke! I've tried fasting and lost almost nothing, despite eating almost nothing.

I've stayed close to fitness for a few years now and I know that the scale really means very little. Yet, here I am weighing myself everyday. FOUR TIMES. This week I spent my drive into the gym, plotting all the ways I was going to tell Mike, how the macros he has me on are obviously not working because I am up 2 lbs (for today) despite being within a few percentage points of my macros everyday. Having a full on conversation in my head about how this is not working, and much to my "delight" its stats day! So I hop on the scale, yup! still up a few lbs. I pull out my little bingo wings and my fat pinch is down? Hmm. That is weird. We measure my neck, hips, arms... all smaller? What the heck? I am down a full percent of just body fat in 12 days!

I had to concede to the fact that yet again the scale is in such a small way an indicator of what I am doing. I know my main goal is to build muscle. There are a million jokes about "gainz" in the fitness community, yet when I see gainz on the scale, I lose my mind.

Lifting is hard. Sometimes I am sure I am dying. There is sweat in my eyes, I'm all weird and trembly. What is harder than lifting steel over my face is trusting the process. Believing that this is the better route. When all my friends are eating nothing but grapefruit, diet coke and cigarettes and losing weight and I am gaining weight This is the better route. When women on T.V are getting lipo and drinking cayenne & syrup. This is still the better way.

In conjunction with hitting my macros and going to the gym regularly my goal for the next two weeks is to not weigh myself. Getting healthy includes developing an appropriate relationship with food, fitness and scale obsession. I'm spending my free time lifting heavy things, I am bound to gain some weight. Luckily its not that jiggly muffin top weight, its those squareish quad, rounded glutes type weight.

What do you do when your own body hates itself? Part 1

Honestly, who knows?!  Recently, my body has decided to go through some sort of revolt.  I started to have horrible cold fire pains in my stomach (directly under my sternum).  Having a history of stomach problems at first I thought it was just a flair up of an existing issue.  But this was different.  This wasn’t presenting itself in the typical manner I was used to.

I tried to start food journaling again.  Making sure to note how I was feeling that day and all the other embarrassing details my body was going through the day (you know how doctors just love to hear about your bowel movements).  But it’s so hard to food journal on days you don’t feel like crap.  And on the days you do feel like crap the last thing you want to do is write it all down and highlight how crappy you really feel.  But the symptoms were getting increasingly worse.

I was getting angry at my stomach and myself.  This wasn’t fair!  One day I ate whatever I wanted because if I was going to feel like I ate barbed wire dipped in lava it better taste damn delicious!  On that day I didn’t have any pain, cue completely bamboozled expression.  In hindsight I don’t believe it was the fatty cheeseburger that settled my stomach I think it was all the carbs because for me carbs have always been a blanket of comfort.  I know that is NOT standard for a lot of people but my stomach is a crazy mystery.

I then started feeling really depressed.  I wanted to keep in my macros but I didn’t want to be painful.  How was I going to make gains and succeed if I couldn’t eat the way I was supposed to?  And if I ate the way I was supposed to how was I going to work out if I felt like I had Satan in my esophagus?

So without a very complete food journal I called the doctor.  This problem had been carrying on for over a month and I thought it was just some silly passing thing.  Then I started to worry maybe I had an ulcer, others suspected gallbladder issues.  After a thorough abdominal ultrasound and a gambit of blood work I can tell you that it is neither an ulcer nor a gallbladder issue.  My pancreas, liver and other levels have all came back normal.  This was very good and very frustrating news to hear.  I wanted something to point somewhere so I could have some relief.  Fortunately, my doctor feels that maybe it isn’t something quite as awful as my mind is making it.  Maybe for some unknown reason either my stomach or esophagus is angry and inflamed.  I have started taking acid reducers on a trial basis for a month to give time for healing and so far it has been wonderful!  I am not 100% symptom free but anything in a positive direction I will take!

I am not out of the woods, not even close.  An endoscopy may still be in my very near future.  But now after a vacation and whole lot of back sliding with very little stomach issues I am ready to get back into the game.  I was so depressed and down on myself I thought about giving it all up.  I now have a renewed sense of accomplishment and hope that I can heal from this stomach thing and make some beautiful progress in the gym.  Here is to hope guys!

Willpower. What helps you?

I have been told I have amazing willpower.  I don’t particularly believe that I do.  Maybe I do when other people are watching but definitely not in most situations.

A fellow blogger wrote about decision fatigue recently (find her blog here complete with scientific link) and it really resonated with me this weekend.

I have been doing fairly well with diet and exercise.  As soon as a busy weekend comes along my diet takes a dive.  I think the weekend is the worst for a variety of factors.  It is more loosey goosey and not structured the way a work day is.  It has a lot more celebration type activities and other social activities.  It gets jammed packed with events, errands, and chores.  Heaven forbid you actually try to relax!  And it’s the end of the week.  I have been being “good” all week.

How do I keep myself for face planting every weekend over this stumbling block?  Well, if we are completely honest, I haven’t figured that out yet.   Planning out your meals is your best bet.  It doesn’t have to be every stitch of food but if you know that you are having Cheeseburgers for dinner then factor that in and work your other meals around it.  

Be nice to yourself.  You heard it here folks!  Be nice!  I screw up *ahem* often and some days I find myself in a loop of negative self-talk just picking and criticizing myself.  It brings me down and then I start the self-pity party and before you know it I am playing the “why me, why do I try” game and eating my feelings.  You will screw up.  You will have hard days, hell, weeks sometimes.  That’s all normal and so is critiquing yourself.  Just make sure you are using CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.  Make a plan of what the problem is and how do we change it.  For every negative thing you say about yourself say two positives.  

Celebrate at the parties, just without the reckless abandon.  No one wants to be that chick in the corner who is looking forlornly at the cake “No, I can’t have any.  Please go on without me!  Say something beautiful in my eulogy about how I sacrificed so much and passed up the cake.”  Eat the cake.  Not the whole cake, not even a quarter of the cake but a small piece of cake will not kill you.  To help keep me from eating the cake as if it was the last substance on earth I make sure to fill my belly BEFORE I go to the party.  It takes a little more planning and it doesn’t always happen BUT if I make sure to eat so I am full before I go to a celebration it is that much easier to pass on the extra giant piece of whatever.  Partially because I don’t have to lie and partially because my stomach isn’t pinging my brain with we are dying messages.

Rest.  We go all day every day.  Give your brain a break at least an hour on one of your weekend days.  Take a little bit of time for you that isn’t going to require a lot thought.  Read a book, go sit on the porch, take a nap on the couch.  Do one of those things we often feel guilty for doing, just don’t feel guilty.  The dishes will be there when you are done.  During the week workout time is often my “me” time but I think it’s so important to have just a little bit of do nothing time too.  Helps to re-charge the go-go battery.

Decisions are hard.  Healthy decisions are even harder.  Set yourself up, the best that you can for success.  A little preparation every day can help set you up for a more successful week.  Because I don’t know about you but come Thursday I am looking into my lunchbox hoping that lunch fairies made my decisions.  Let me know if you find them because they still have yet to pack my lunch!