CURSE YOU BLASTED BUTT SWEAT!

Butts like armpits are a nest of fleshy heat.  Here, come with me on an "imaginary" adventure.  Sun is shining, in walks Tanesha.  Arms flared out like a body builder, hair up, and some hot new pants.  I load up some bangin weights and my pre-workout kicks in, I get in the zone, I am pretty much the hulk.  20 minutes go by.  I am burning off belly fat sweaty and sparkling from all the fat crying right off my gut, when I look up and see an adorable little bikini of moisture.  Okay, like not little, like a dang skirt of wetness.  What the heck CURSE YOU BLASTED BUTT SWEAT!  It looks like I peed myself!

The more you exercise regularly the more you sweat, the body stops thinking that it is dying and realizes that a little sweat will cool you down.  We have a couple different types of sweat glands, luckily for the people around us the booty is littered with apocrine glands, not familiar with them huh?  well they are not only the most active but the glands that stink!  Meaning a sweaty butt can even mean a stinky butt

Here are a few suggestions of what to do (and not to do) with your sweaty butt:


1.  Shower regularly!  I always shower *before* I go to the gym.  The last thing I want is to be mentally obsessing about if i smell funky or like a damn onion ring while I am bent over.  I have washed off the bacteria that makes sweat pungent so when I dry I shouldn't smell.


2.  Cotton panties!  I know there is a huge market for yoga underwear that is make out of plastic-y fruit leather or something, but dont fall victim!  Cotton is a great absorbent fabric!  Think gauze, you just want to make sure you change your clothes soon after your sweat fest to prevent bigger problems.

3.  Let it go! No one cares, the dude next to you probably has a sweaty butt too, guys are just lucky enough to have breathable basketball shorts be the standard gym uniform.  Honestly any guy that wants to laugh at you for sweating is mentally in 7th grade and you have no room for that in your beautiful metamorphosis!


Some things not to do:


1.  Don't use powder!  You are gonna make powder dough-balls between your thighs.  The only thing worse than leaving sweaty butt fairies on the bench would be to leave a powder trail.  Dont do it!  Not to mention any powder containing talc should never go near the who-who it is a known carcinogen.

2.  Don't go at it half ass to save yourself embarrassment.  You are still going to look silly at the gym- we all do.  Grunty faces, that weird knee slapper machine, sky humping and butt sweat its all part of the gig.  Dont deny yourself a super hot body and a happy life because your body gets moist.  Huge bodies get moist too.  Im just happier with a sweat ring around my fit butt, than a sweat ring in my back rolls.

BYOG - Be Your Own Gym

Walking into a gym can be a little daunting.  There are lots of hulking machines and people walking around enveloped in their world of working out.  Some people know how to use those machines, some do not.  I personally do not like using the machines.  I know they have a time and a place but I am just not all that comfortable with them.  Even when I know what I am doing.

Fortunately (unfortunately?) for me Mike comes up with all forms of fresh hell using kettlebells, dumbbells and my own body weight.  This past Monday was all manner of torture and we didn’t use one single machine.  Aside from my own war machine of a body.


The evening started off familiar enough.  Goblet squats.  He thinks that I am not onto his scheming but I see that the weights keep getting heavier and heavier.  The next item used all that is me and a step (like the kind you would use in step aerobics).  I stood on the step side-ways (when you think of step aerobics you are stepping on what I would call the wide version.  I was on the narrow version) and I was instructed to jump down, feet wide, straddling the step, tap my butt to the step and jump
back up onto the step.  I snickered to myself and had “Drop it Low” pop into my head.  Let me say these are damn hard.  About half way through I am puffing like an asthmatic dragon and my legs are on fire.  Imagine my tears when he says “So, we are going to do THAT at least two more times”.  I don’t know what that exercise is called but I feel like we should name it something like ‘ghetto booty pop squat’ or something to that effect.  He did break up the booty pops with kettlebell swinging, not sure that counts as a break.  After this he requested box jumps (well bench jumps).  I was fearful as my legs felt full of angry buzzing bees but I managed to perform all the jumps without killing myself OR falling off!

Transitioned to some shoulder work with Arnold presses that where sitting (glorious, glorious sitting) and two other things I don’t have technical names for.  The other two exercises look deceivingly simple. I was give 3 lb. dumbbells and then told to raise my arms to a T and then bring my arms forward and touch the weights together (fat end to fat end if that makes sense) and then reverse it.  From together, to a T, and down.  The other one was arms are down bring them over head tap weights together twice (fat end to fat end) and then back down.  Yea well 3 lbs. can get mighty heavy after a very short while.  The upside is I could see some kick ass new definition in my shoulders!!

The night was only about half over and abs where on the menu.  Yay?  I lunged into the other room to begin new wondrous things.  Imagine this, if you will, your arms are in a plank position.  Your feet are up on the wall.  Now you are going to do slow controlled mountain climbers (one knee comes up towards your chest).  You have to tighten all the muscles to keep yourself up that wall.  Towards the end I may have started slipping down, maybe.
 There was more of the typical things I hate, ball passes, V-up’s and some that things that I hate less.

I like to work out like this.  It kills me in a good way.  I like to not have to wait on a machine or ask if I can work in.  I feel intimidated asking a dude who can bench a Buick if he minds if I work into rotation with my 10 lb. weight.  Plus, there is really limited excuses to not work out when traveling or such. Get to work!

The Other Six Days of the Week

So this is where I fail. I am great at being 90% and do the other 10% so badly that the 90% doesn’t stand a chance.

I eat well all day just to crash in the evening and eat those chocolate chips I said no to 50 times earlier in the day.

I bump up my workout and can’t seem to help but scarf that monster cookie after my run.

Just because I did a weight workout and can tolerate a few more carbs – does that really mean I should eat 17 sushi rolls?

So clearly food is my issue but sometimes when that gets bad I move to alcohol or caffeine so that’s cool. We have a tendency to think that it’s all about choice and “will power.” That if you f*ck it up, it’s because you’re weak.

Turns out that’s not exactly the case. Will power functions like a muscle. It will fatigue. It needs rest and rejuvenation. That’s why I say “no” in the morning but “I’ll have another” in the evening. It’s something called decision fatigue if you want to nerd up on it a bit.

But here’s the deal – if you’re stressed out, good luck. You’re going into the fight tired. If you have a candy dish/pack of cigarettes/fast food adjacent office/beer in the fridge – that sh*t is gonna happen.

One bit of advice I like is to make as many decisions in advance as possible. Decide your workouts for the week at the beginning of the week, not the day of. I’m most consistent with the workouts that I schedule to meet friends for in part because in my mind it’s already a done deal. Working out with a personal trainer of course means it’s scheduled and someone is expecting you so that’s a great thing to put in place.

Here’s the other way I like to use this (and don’t do enough). Make some absolute decisions. Like, “I don’t eat carbs,” “I’m not drinking for 30 days,” or “I will not work past 5:30 pm.” Deciding whether or not I can have a cookie and how many is a ton of decision making and it will go poorly at the end of the day. A yes/no decision is faster and clearer and it’s 100% clear when you’re in violation.

Dumb it down and make that will power muscle into a marathoner. Slower and steadier so you’ve got a little something left at mile 26.

If you're looking at me in this pic you're missing the sweet bootylicious point

Non-scale Victories

What do you count as a victory?  I am in a couple exercise social media support groups and we have what we call non-scale victories.  “What are non-scale victories?” you ask.  They can be many things; fitting into an old pair of pants that used to be too tight, being able to heft a large item you previously struggled with, finding that you have some newly noticed or acquired muscle definition.  All of these count!

One of my non-scale victories was this weekend.  I went out with some friends after work and we grabbed some drinks downtown.  I am a bathroom snob.  I really hate using public restrooms but when nature calls you answer.  Downtown is home to a lot of interesting places however as the night wears on the bathrooms become destroyed from fellow inebriated bathroom users.  The bathroom I chose was pretty destroyed.  There was mystery liquid on the floor and toilet paper strung around like streamers.  I really didn’t want to touch any surface in this particular restroom.  Ladies, you may be able to see what non-scale victory I am leading up to.

There was no way in hell I wanted my backside to touch that toilet seat.  I decided to do the dreaded hover.  Now gentlemen, you may think “Heck. That’s easy!  What is she complaining about?”  But I assure you, there are a lot of factors that go into a proper hover.  First off, you don’t want you pants touching the underside of the bowl!  Seriously, these were co-ed bathrooms and it looked like it.  Gentlemen, if you are too drunk to control your urine and are about to let loose like one of those crazy noodle sprinklers please do us ALL a favor and sit down.  Secondly, you have to be able to get back far enough to ensure you aren’t going to be contributing to the drip down the front problem you are trying to keep your pants out of.  Yes, it is true ladies.  Don’t do you your squats and you may be accidentally dribbling down the bowl front like the disgusting people before you.

Pretty sure these helped!

Now once you get into prime position you have to manage to actually hold it and relax enough to pee.  Before regularly working out, my legs would start to burn shortly after establishing ideal formation.  About half way through my business I would be struggling to hold form and empty my bladder simultaneously.  Trust me, you do not want an accidental touch down!

Well, I am proud to announce I was able to hold alpha hover formation and empty my whole bladder.  There was no wobbly legs or fear of touch down.  My hover was solid.  Just in the nick of time too since it’s rapidly approaching summer.  That means an increase of charity and fun runs, concerts and other activities with questionable bathroom facilities.

So even if they are little or weird or not socially acceptable take time to appreciate your non-scale victories!

Positive Directions

So last week it was pinch time.  You know, the awesome time where they pinch your skin and see how much fat you have in there.  As much as I dislike the whole process I still seem to have some sort of sick fascination in wanting to know where I am.  I will be honest with you, it makes the even the most body confident/comfortable person cringe.  It’s putting yourself out there in a very emotionally vulnerable position.  But to the pinch defense it gives information you wouldn’t otherwise know, it’s a relatively short process, and no one is paying attention but you and your trainer.  I try and go to my happy place and ignore it.  Of course, I then try to act only mildly interested once all the data is collected and evaluated.

All my hard work in the kitchen paid off these last few weeks!  I am happy to announce the numbers that we wanted down, went down and the numbers we wanted up, went up!!  Best.  Feeling.  Ever.
This whole thing is a journey.  I was in relatively fit shape when I began this whole process.  I think the fact that I am not trying to diet to lose weight is what blows the most minds.  I am eating a diet to build muscle.  You have to feed those muscles if you want them to grow and apparently it’s a pain in the butt to balance.

Here are some of the things that I find are working for me.

8 g of protein and they taste awesome!

•  Find a food combo that works and stick to it!!!  For me my snack every work day is cottage cheese and later yogurt.  Yogurt is like my afternoon sweets craving replacement.  I drink a protein shake either in the AM (if I am on my way to the gym in a hurry) or at night (after training or a run session).  I then try and fill in around those what else I need.  It works don’t rock the boat.
• Plan ahead, even though it sucks.  I am thinking about my whole day’s food before I even get started with the day.  For me starting with dinner and planning around it is best.  Dinner is a family experience and if I account for a piece of cake for dessert then I can eat it without tanking the whole day.  But ONLY if I plan for it.
• Get a trainer and see them at least once a week.  You think you can do it on your own but unless you have crazy good impulse control you won’t.  If you see them less than once a week you will find it easier to cheat and fall off the wagon.  You won’t have the same level of another person counting on you to do the right thing.  Plus, they are great resource to learn how to do new exercises, make adjustments to current exercises to make them more effective/comfortable, food suggestions, push your preconceived boundaries of what you are capable of,  and someone who will not take it personal when you give them legit stink face.
• Pack your things.  Pack your gym bag and have it ready and by the door the next day.  I am at the gym at 6 AM two days a week.  I *have* to have everything packed and planned down to my underwear and socks.  If I oversleep or drag my feet for 5 minutes my whole morning will be rushed.  My gym clothes are laid out in a particular order, my bags are packed and I allot myself a little more time for a relaxed transition into the land of the living. 
•  Everything in its place.  For me any tiny little trip up will bust the door wide open for an excuse.  I can’t find my running shoes.  Where did I put my headphones?  The liners in all my sports bras are wrinkled and need to be straightened.  I can’t find my favorite shorts.  My shaker cup is dirty.  Shoes are always together in their spot.  I try to straighten the bra situation before they get put in the drawer.  Headphones are zipped in the running belt.  Any little thing I can do ahead of time to save me when I feel like I have no time.
• Talk to your partner about your goals.  They will play a huge part in success and probably unbeknownst to them.  Usually they want to help but they don’t know how.  For me it’s food.  I need to know what our dinner plan is so I can plan my day around it.  Or if we have no planned dinner I have these parameters that I can eat in will you help me figure it out. 

All of this is STILL a process.  I still fail.  I still get mad.  Occasionally I eat my feelings. But I am trying REALLY hard to do better.  And little by little I am getting there.  

Temptations.

In my office we do lunch out occasionally.  This lunch out I bumped into temptation.

We were at Marche on campus when I saw her.  She was beautiful.  The complexion of ripe wheat and a top of sunshine yellow.  She was the embodiment of all that is cheerful.  I wanted her.

There wasn’t much separating the two of us, just a thin piece of glass.  She could have easily been mine.  All it would of taken is one little sentence and we could be together.  Would a few minutes of pure bliss be worth trashing my hard work, my goals, my commitments?  I could consume her whole in a matter of minutes and bask in the afterglow.  But then guilt would creep in.  The backsliding would begin.  That smooth milk chocolate colored beauty behind the case would be my next desire.  It doesn’t end.  Not until the sun dies and rises on the next day and I wake with the renewed reminder of my end goals.

It was plain to see my desire to possess her on my face.  I was staring openly and I did not care.  She was so beautiful.

As much as I wanted to take her outside with me I resisted.  It wouldn’t be fair to her or myself.  I wouldn’t be able to treat her with the time she deserved.  And I would be stuck with a belly full of regrets.  Sure, at the time I wouldn’t care about the future but what about those commitments and goals?

I managed to control my impulse that day.  It was not easy to walk away.  When I bused my table after lunch I stopped to admire her delicious curves for a little while longer.  I almost buckled but somehow I resisted.  That lemon tart was the most beautiful thing I have seen.  Maybe someday we can be together but not on a whim.  I have to plan be diligent and make it special.

I hope someone appreciates you the way you deserve my lovely lemon tart.