Toys and Juices

The gym is such an awkward place to be.  A bunch of strangers get together in a communal building and start sweating and grunting while wearing form fitting clothing in close proximity to each other.  It typically is a symphony of smells to the olfactory system as well.  There is the smell of machines, faint oil and iron, and that isn’t horrible.  It’s the smell that emanates from yourself or your fellow gym goer’s; sweat, body odor, over-done cologne and protein farts (way worse, ask my husband).  It’s a small wonder why any of us keep going back but alas we have goals and know exercise is good for us.

There is not a whole lot you can do about most of these things.  It’s the nature of the beast.  You are going to sweat, it’s the body’s air conditioning system trying to cool you down.  Farts sometime slip, you are lifting heavy things, that’s a lot of pressure, it’s understandable. 

Please note this is not my sweat silhouette.
What is NOT understandable is leaving puddles around the gym.  It’s gross.  No one particularly cares that you have your sweat on.  They care if you are leaving crotch butterflies on the machine seats or sweat halos on the benches!  No one else wants to steep in your juices.  That is why it is important that you wipe down your machines and benches when you are done.  Cleaning up after your own foul behind isn’t near as gag inducing as cleaning up after some stranger.

After you are done wiping up your fluids make sure you also take time to rack your weights.  It does not make you a bad ass to leave every plate on the bar, it just makes you an ass.  Now I have to wrestle all the plates off the bar and put them away when I just want to get my set done.  It’s not that I can’t do it.  I don’t want to have to do it and slow down.  Now imagine you are an overwhelmed new person, who might not be able to wrestle that much plate weight.  Congratulations!  You just turned a person who was trying to better themselves away, frustrating them with the whole gym experience and culture. 

And don’t even get me started on dumbbells!  Why?  WWWHHHHYYYYY???!!! Are they tossed haphazardly in front of the stand instead of on it?  Maybe you lifted till failure?  I highly doubt you failed and then couldn’t subsequently rack your 25-pound weight, faceless past gym goer!!!  And the constant inner monologue “I really need those 20’s but they are by that bench” looks around gym. “Who is using that bench?  Anyone?  Are they in between sets?  Are th
ose poor weights all alone?”  I don’t want to cut in someone’s set ruining their flow but I also don’t want to alter my path for someone who isn’t even there.  I have goals I am chasing too, ya know?

So remember dumbbells go in pairs in ascending order, left to right.  Plates go on the trees and stands around the machine/benches they were with, same with barbells.  And finally sweat puddles get mopped up with the provided paper towels and spray.  We all have to share this space so let’s try to keep things nice, shall we?


Everyone has heard of “fat-shaming”.  Fat-shaming is where one party pokes fun, or shames the other party about their size, typically being seen as overweight.  Not everyone who is fat-shamed actually is overweight.  But that doesn’t mean that person doesn’t feel the pain of being fat-shamed.  Society has some pretty unobtainable standards for “ideal-weight”.  But what a lot of people don’t realize that as much as there is fat-shaming there is fit-shaming as well.  This is where one party makes fun or shames the other party for their size, typically being seen as being too lean, thin or fit.

I have always been a thinner frame.  I had heard the snorts about me needing to eat more and seen the eye rolls when I expressed frustration about feeling fluffy at a particular time.  As I have progressed in my fitness journey into the realm of competing it has gotten worse.  The shocking and maddening thing is that it comes from all body types including other “fit” people.  I had a person who works out regularly, who I would classify as "fit", and knows that I am competing bring me in a big, fat, delicious brownie.  It was from the bakery down the street and it smelled like how I imagine unicorns smell.  If you know me at all you know that sweets, but especially brownies, are my weakness.  Do you know how hard it was to walk in and put it on their desk?  And then the flack I get for not eating it “But I bought that for you?  You aren’t going to eat it?  I know you like them.”  Yes, you butthole.  I do like them. Like them very much but in less than a few months’ time I will be cramming my butt into, collectively, six inches of fabric and asking people to judge me based on my looks!  I don’t have the luxury to indulge in brownies at this moment.  I have goals, big ones, that do not include brownies unfortunately.  I am choosing to compete so I am choosing to not eat brownies.
I also get so tired of hearing “one bite won’t kill you” or “it’s just a little candy bar”.  You know what?  I am aware that I will not die with one bite.  But do you think I just want to stop at one little bite?  A confectionary game of “just the tip”?  No, thank you.  I know it’s a little candy bar but do YOU know how many grams of fat and carbs are in there?!  When a person is trying to cut they don’t have extra fat or carbs to blithely throw away on thirty seconds of sweet tooth satisfaction.

Why is it socially acceptable to shame me for being fit?  It isn’t.  Stop making “jokes” about people’s weight or size.  Stop making others feel bad or their lives harder for not being your standard of correct size.  I am going to work on me.  I am going to lift weights and do my cardio.  I am not going to eat every square of chocolate that my eyes land on.  Not because I don’t want to but because it doesn’t align with my long term goals.  Start judging people, of all sizes, on what matters; who they are as a person.  Regardless of your body size you aren’t anything of value if you have a hateful heart and a dirty soul.  Make a difference.

This is Hard.

Deciding to compete, you know it isn’t going to be easy.  You have to show restraint in your diet and discipline in workout consistency.  But what about the posing?  That should just be walking up, BAM, and then walking off, right?  Wrong.  Oh, so, so, so, wrong! 

Posing can be quite difficult.  At least it is for me.   I am entering bikini.  Bikini girls are supposed to have this youthful, smiley, sassy, sexy, flirty allure.  If you know me in person you know that I do not possess these qualities.  My neutral facial expression could be best described as ‘silently contemplating murder’.  I can’t do “sexy and sassy”.  I can do “sarcastic and bitchy” exceptionally well.  I am very confident in myself when I am wearing pants.  But put me in a tiny swathe of fabric and suddenly I don’t walk with my chin up so high.

I am going to a posing class with lots of other girls (and a few guys).  There are figure girls and bikini girls and you go through a mock up stage presentation.  I have been walking in heels for several years.  But stick me in front of a classroom full of people analyzing my every move and I lock up.  I start walking like a lumber jack with a peg leg.  Definitely NOT a sexy, fluid, sashay my brain was trying to conjure.

The flirty, smiley nature is very difficult for me to manifest as well.  If I see girls out flipping their hair and batting their eyelashes, I almost gag!  They can’t be real right?  Who buys that crap?!  Apparently, a lot of people.  And in this venue it’s what they are looking for.  As opposed to me walking up and giving a generous supply of jazz hands or a begrudging grimace. 

So now I need to get into my own brain and get it to play along.  I am playing a role in a performance.  The hair flipping, incessant smiling, and flirting is the character I am playing.  When I am on that stage I need to become her.  Maybe I should give her a name; Anastasia Beaverhausen, Anita Liktmeoff….they sound like they can be sexy and hair flippy.

I will practice every day and check in every week until it’s my big day.  Let’s hope I (or Anastasia/Anita as it where) can really nail this posing thing!

It Arrived!

Super exciting things happened recently! I ordered my competition suit and it FINALLY arrived!  Come on people squeal with joy for me.

Ordering this suit was a month long ordeal.  I hmm’d and hawed over various manufacturers, suit colors and bejeweled vs. no jewels.  These suits are no laughing matter!  They are not cheap and you don’t want to look cheap either.

I finally decided on a basic suit from Ravish Sands.  I had heard the name used quite a bit and never as a curse.  The amount of fabric colors they have to choose from is extensive.  You can order swatches to be shipped to you so you can see/feel the actual material if you want.  They have a generous variety of connectors for the middle piece, hips, and the top ties.  It’s a little weird to be looking at such tiny bikinis at work but I needed the time to stare and stew on all my options.

The staff at Ravish Sands where great.  They put up with my littering of emails with prompt replies and honest opinions.  When I finally felt brave enough to submit my order they were kind enough to call me and go over my order and make sure I was comfortable with my options.  I may have mentioned my fear that my high crack might peak out of such a little bottom. 

I ordered my suit with no additional jewels on the tops or bottoms, aside from the connectors.  My mother was kind enough to volunteer to bejewel it for me.  So her and I hmm’d and hawed over the just right crystal color (Swarovski, which I can NOT pronounce for the life of me, of course) and then over jewel pattern/idea. 

So I will post a pic of me in my suit as it is now.  Just know that you need to come to my show to see me in my festooned, tiny bikini.  I hope to see you guys there!!