Squat Proof Pants


Ok ladies this one is for you. SQUAT PROOF PANTS! You see her over there in the cutest white geometric Lululemon pants, Gawd you love those pants, next time you have $450 to spend on spandex, you are getting those! You start to mosey over towards her to ask where she got them and as she drops down into the perfect squat...

-BAM-

UNDERBUTT THONG RIGHT IN YOUR FACE


This is a real problem. Now, don't get me wrong. Dress as you please. If you have bangin' legs and you want to rock some tiny Nike shorts DO IT! If you don't have bangin' legs and want to rock some tiny Nike shorts DO IT! If you want to wear a full sweat suit to the gym, and you don't die of heat exhaustion DO IT! but the thing about see through pants is that we don't know. Nobody is flaunting butt cheek on purpose.

Here is how I came to the realization that I had too much butt to shove into sheer pants: As a sweet little weird gift for my 8th anniversary I got my husband signature tattooed on my bottom butt cheek. (I'm weird, and I like to live dangerously) Its thin lines, but it is black. I am doing some kettlebell squats at home when I hear my kids friend say "is your moms butt tattooed?" I set my bell down and go squat in front of the mirror! OMG YOU CAN SEE BOTH OF MY BUTT CHEEKS! YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE FRECKLES ON MY BUTT! Needless to say, i only wear those pants at home now.


Here is what we are going to do. Go home and pull out your stack of workout pants, and grab a gym buddy. Put each pair on and squat, lift, pull your legs over your head, try to do the splits and have your gym BFF stare at your lady lumps? Make sure you do this either under florescent lights or out in the sun to mimic gym lighting. Is the answer yes? Cool. Now you know. And, really wear them if you love them, maybe they are the pants that you wear when you know you are going to need a spotter, or you want to spend your gym sesh chatting with strange dudes? Now, Head over to your friends house to do the same with her stack of pants.

Secondly, SQUAT IN THE DRESSING ROOM! I cant stress this enough, workout pants can run upwards or $90, but even if you are only spending $20, it is $20 wasted if you get them home and cant wear them because your goods are playing peek-a-boo through the fabric. Work those pants before you buy them, again lift your legs, spin around. These are athletic pants they should hold you in.

Finally, if you have a bunch of pants that you love and they look like nylons when you bend over and you dont want to give them up go invest in a pair or two of the spandex shorts that we used to wear in grade school under our dresses to play. They are thin and tight. They will provide a barrier and make you feel confident in your clothes again. It is hard to go to the gym and even if no one is actually looking at you, we all feel like we are on display and vulnerable under all the lights and mirrors. The last thing we are shooting for is to show the meathead over there our butt freckles.