The Feelings of Competing

This blog post is LONG overdue. As some of you know I had my very first bikini competition in May 2016. I did better than I ever dreamed I would do. My goal was to get up on stage and do it and if I placed that was just frosting on the cake. I entered two divisions; Novice Bikini and Open Bikini Class F. Novice is for those who have not competed or placed before. Open Bikini is open to anyone who would like to compete, F is my height division. I decided to do both divisions because I really wanted to get a tiara! But if you are trying to save money and enter only one division enter open. Open is really what counts, no one really touts a novice trophy in the big pond.

I came away from my show with two pieces of hardware; 2nd in Novice Bikini and 1st in Open!! Talk about blowing the goal out of the water! I was so excited! I worked my tail feathers off and it was apparent and I won!

To get up on that stage was one of the most exciting and scary things I have done. I was really doing it. I was really going up in front of a ton of people and then asking seven strangers to judge me on my looks and my sassy nonverbal skills.

All the girls I went up on stage with were really great. We were all so excited and back stage everyone was friendly even if we were all going to be gunning for the same trophy in just a few minutes. In a sport that can be perceived as a vanity sport I met a lot of really great people. I feel like I was adopted into a family of sorts. We cheer for each other and give encouragement to each other. It is a God send to have like-minded people around when “normal” people look at you like you have lost your marbles because you are weighing an apple.

After all that training finally came to fruition I was excited to have some time off. Unfortunately, I am a dummy and set my sites on a marathon later in the year. I shifted my training from lifting to running. I still lifted just not as aggressively. I was ready to be not as regimented with my time and my diet. I needed to take the time to bask in my victory and eat cake. It was actually very difficult to let the measure everything, track everything mentality go. I could see where eating disorders could arise out of this sport if you were not careful.

 My boobs came back. I put my body fat back on and the world turned warm once again. I am so happy that I did it. Some days there were tears and some days I was angry. I was so tired and ready to be done. But there is not one day that goes by that I regret it. If you are on the fence about competing I say do it! Nothing will make you stick to a diet and exercise goal quite like a competition. You don’t have to win trophies and tiara’s to be a bad ass.

De-motivator

I recently talked about the fact that I will be entering into a figure competition in May.  This is a super exciting/nerve wracking time for me.  Just the thought of doing it makes me an excited bundle of nerves.  Like most people who do new things I want to be successful.  To help keep me on the path to success I have shared my goals with family and friends.  I get a lot of good support but I think the number one reaction I get is a nose wrinkle, squint and “you aren’t going to get too big are you”.

I assure them I will not be “too” big.  I try to explain the difference between bikini, figure and physique.  I will then show them what I refer to as my Instagram crushes.  My two favorites are Nicole Wilkins and Sophie Arvebrink.  Seriously, if you haven’t looked them up go do it now, I will wait.  They are adorable and have amazing shapes!   Now these ladies do figure work.  They are muscular but not overly so.  I find their shape amazing.  They do have some broader shoulders but it doesn’t look disproportionate to their bodies.  This is a body type that took some obvious work and dedication.

Almost every time I hear “Oh no.  Her shoulders are too big”.  And every time I sigh in exasperation.  The legs and butt seem to be easily accepted but the upper body is still a region of taboo.  Problem is how funny would they look if they did no arm/shoulder work and focused on legs and booty only?  How many times have we seen dudes who skip leg day?  Let’s not skip shoulder day ladies!

But it can be very disheartening to hear.  The very look that I will be striving to share a category with is considered “gross” by some of my loved ones.  Nobody wants to feel like they appear physically unattractive to those whose opinions mean the most. 

 

It is OK to have personal preference and opinion.  That is what helps this little world go round.  I don’t find the top of the tier body building women’s look would work well for me.  That’s the kicker, the “for me” part.  I can appreciate the time, dedication and sacrifices those women have put into changing their bodies.  The hours in gym and the science of calculating food in the kitchen.  How much ridicule do you think those 

women have to live with?  

Anyone who is striving to do a body related competition is already going to have a melee of challenges.  Obstacles regarding food/diet (social situations anyone?), balancing gym and home life.  They really don’t need to hear the discouraging words that you think they are “disgusting”, “gross”, or “too big”.  If you feel that your opinion would add value to the situation try to phrase things a bit more tactful.  Remember that there is a person attached to that body that has very real feelings.

Change the Habit

When you try to start a goal or change a habit where do you start?  Is it written in the sacred book of the goals “Thou shalt ONLY start lifestyle changes on Monday’s and no other days before it”?  I haven’t seen this magical book-o-goals before but I have heard some things consistently that makes me think it must be out there.  Heck, I have even parroted out some of the popular phrases.

Perfect Example

“I will start my diet/training/exercising on Monday.”  Why?  Why are you waiting until Monday?  Monday is by far one of the least liked days of the week.  Why make it harder by trying to tack on changing a lifestyle habit?  There are internet meme’s dedicated to the suckiness of the day! I say decide what you are going to do and do it.  For example I go to the gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday and I run Tuesday, Thursday and either Saturday or Sunday (weekends are long runs).  I am so not perfect.  Life happens and sometimes I miss a day or screw up a whole week BUT I don’t wait for Monday to fix it.  If I missed Wednesday’s workout well then I know Thursday is for running.  I don’t have to WANT to do it I just have to do it.

“I have to get in better shape before going to the gym.” …… You see those dots?  They are my puzzled expression that you cannot see.  People go to the gym to get in better shape!  Sure there are people there who are in really good shape.  Or in moderately good shape or just in better shape than me BUT they didn’t (most likely) get that way by working out at home until they felt they reached the magical ideal to be at the gym.  There isn’t a bouncer at the door who is going to stop you “No, ma’am I am sorry you can’t come in.  Your gym clothes are last season and you aren’t the type we want here”.  This isn’t an exclusive club.  It is the gym.  It smells like metal, sweat and often times, protein farts.  There are people sweating, grunting and lifting heavy items.   No one who matters is judging you for being at the gym as you are.

“I don’t have time.”  This is MY hang up.  It’s super hard to fit all the things in the day.  I need to get in exercise and get a good night’s rest.  There is also kid activities to tend to, family life to enjoy, grown up time to enjoy, chores and responsibilities.  All of these things vying for my attention.  It can be so overwhelming I cope by taking a nap.  Which, surprise, isn’t helpful in completing tasks.  I have to make it as easy as possible and as little intrusion on my family life.  That means I get up with the birds during the week and sneak out of the house to squeeze in that workout.  When I do it this way, no matter how crazy and stressful my day becomes I don’t have to add fitting a workout to my list, it’s done.  I can go home after a long of work, play with the kidlets and go to bed at a reasonable time.

“Eating healthy/at home is so expensive.”  Yea, sometimes it is.  But if you were to honestly figure out the cost of a healthy meal you made at home vs. something you have purchased at a restaurant or the drive-thru you could see the cost to benefit ratio. If you invest in some staple ingredients you can make quite a few meals without having to make a giant shopping trip.  I think the biggest rub of home cooking is it takes time.  There really isn’t a way around that.  Either you spend the time in your car and waiting for a stranger to make and bring you food OR you make it yourself (or if you are lucky enough to have a significant other that likes to cook you whine at them).  Either way the time is spent.  I hate cooking so I am very susceptible to making drive-thru excuses and exceptions.  But the feeling afterwards is never worth it.

These all take effort and dedication.  I slip, fall and fail way more regularly than I would like to admit but I get up and try again.  Sometimes I have a good old fashioned hissy fit about how unfair it all is and then I can continue on.  My goals now are better than my excuses.  I will start on Monday….and continue every day of the week with something.  I have to be in better shape for the gym….so I better get in the gym.  I don’t have time….I better find some.  Eating healthy at home is so expensive….I better invest myself.

Always invest in you.  After all, you have to live with yourself forever.

Breaking Point

I have touched on the topic of hurdles before and admitted that food is a huge tripping point for me.  I love food, mostly carb related things but also sugar.  I love chewing it, tasting it, consuming in mass quantities it, I just love it.  Clearly my love has its limits.  I don’t really enjoy meat or vegetables.  My comfort foods are bread, pasta, cereal and potatoes.

At the gym this week I reached an emotional breaking point.  I had felt like I was doing OK with my food.  Granted, some days I would slip up a little more than other days, I honestly felt like it was all OK.  Unfortunately, there was no positive move in my measurements for the week.  They went in the WRONG direction.  What was I supposed to say?  I broke and cried at Mike.  I didn’t want to.  I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes just waiting for the trigger from my brain to turn me into a red, splotchy, embarrassing mess.  I even had the pre-emptive quiver lip, horrible right?

To be honest with myself at this point, I hated eating.  I hate salads, they leave me unfulfilled.  And chewing through one of those damn things is the most disgusting thing possible.  I feel like a discontent stegosaurus chomping through all those bitter leaves.  I felt hungry all the time.  I rarely came remotely close to my protein goal (which would explain the hunger).  If you are curious to what the cry trigger was it was to announce out loud what I had come to discover, “I hate eating now”.


Fortunately, Mike is a strong man and didn’t wilt under the frightening sight of crying female.  At least not outwardly.  I can only imagine it was an uncomfortable position to be in but he didn’t show it.  We moved on from the measurements to get a workout in and discuss what CAN I do and where is the silver lining.  I can still eat carbs and sweets just not in mass quantities.  I am going to have to be more calculated and cunning in getting them in my diet.  I don’t have to eat salads, perhaps reduce the leaf amount some and try them in a wrap.  Protein is going to have to come from somewhere.  Dairy, meat, jerky (I know technically meat), protein powder, fish, nuts (although high in fat so be careful) and any combination there-of.

It’s hard to get your dietary list and your personal list to match up sometimes.  We get busy, we get stressed, we get careless and make excuses.  Sometimes we eat our feelings, we eat to celebrate, we eat to mourn, we eat when we are bored, we just eat.

I have went three days and managed to get my macros within two grams either direction of my goal amount.  This is monumental for me.  I will be trying to plan my days out ahead of time to make sure I have room for that bowl of pasta at dinner or that Cadbury egg after lunch.  Not every day will be a success (birthday cake is happening tonight, sorry Mike).  There will be slips, falls and full on face plants but I will keep on trying.  And hopefully no more crying at the gym.

***I just passed up free chocolate handouts at the office!!  Feel free to praise me!!***

Hurdles

I missed a Monday recently due to dying of the plague and tweaking a back muscle.  Let’s just hope I got all that out of the way for the rest of the year.  I am still not 100% back to normal but on my way there. 

This healthy lifestyle decision can be quite the journey.  I find there is a lot of back and forth, at least for me.  I think one of the biggest challenges is being honest with myself.  Most days I feel like I am barely hanging on to the healthy wagon by my fingertips and dragging my feet behind it.  My biggest hurdle is food.  I love food, all manner of unhealthy food.  It’s like my body has two people inside of it, “I feel so good working out, being healthy.  I solemnly swear that I will stop eating crap.”  Ten minutes later, “I will just hit the drive thru on the way to work, it’s the ONLY way to get there on time and eat.”  The last statement is a lie.  A big, sometimes delicious, often disappointing and almost always painful lie.  If you read my previous blog posts you will know that I have a stomach condition.  I am not supposed to eat a lot of foods and everything that gets passed through a drive thru window counts as a no-no. 

Another hurdle, I am lazy.  So lazy.  It seems daunting to get up and do things some days.  But when I laze about all day I feel really bad, physically and emotionally.  There is so much I could do, that needs to be done or that would be enjoyable to do. 

Going to see Mike really helps get me off my behind to check the ‘I did something that counts as exercise today’ box.  Not because he will make a sad puppy face or yell at me.  He won’t list why eating crap is a terrible idea, we have already covered this topic I *know* it’s a bad idea.  He will expect me to give my workout my best effort.  He will expect me to communicate.  He will push my preconceived notions of what I think I can do.  He will be there waiting for me.  And if I haven’t pulled my weight at home, moved my body with purpose, fueled my body with something other than crap, then my next hour is probably going to suck more than it should.

I am sharing this with you because I don’t feel like I am the only person who struggles with this split personality and I need some help being accountable.  I would imagine most people have this ridiculous problem.   I feel like owning the hurdles that I trip over will help me overcome them or at least bring awareness that they are there.  Owning the fact that certain things I am not willing to give up (Dr. Pepper you delicious little minx, I am looking at you).   Or that I hate showers so much that I need to arrange my workout schedule around when I plan on taking one.  Or that any activity that requires peppy attitude, overly positive chattiness, and bubbly music first thing in the morning will fill me with a horrible rage.

So when you find yourself tangled and tripped up in the hurdles of life remember that EVERYONE does it.  Get up, brush yourself off and figure out what you need to do to keep successfully clearing those hurdles.