Competitor Blog: What was that sound (TMI report)

This is one of those posts that is going to dive into a topic that may be a little too honest about me. If you have modest sensibilities, I recommend you stop reading now. As for the rest of you twisted souls read on.

I often complain and whine at Mike that there are exercises I don’t want to do. Mostly because they are hard or I am tired but I typically try to give my all and do my best anyways. My squawking is a way to keep us (maybe me more than him) entertained during exercise transitions. We finally found an exercise that I refused to do: the dragon flag. The Dragon Flag requires crazy core control and can be seen illustrated by the amazing bad ass Bruce Lee. The start of this move is actually more straight up and down (than pictured) and you gradually, with control, lower yourself down while maintaining the straight position (as if your body is a flag in the wind). I watched as Mike demonstrated the move. I have my reservations. This move is an inversion which I avoid like the plaque. Why? Well, it creates a perfect storm for a humiliating moment in a public place.

Most of you are probably familiar with one of these terms; queef, vart, or fanny fart, if you are from across the pond. These are all slang terms for what Wikipedia bestows the term “vaginal flatulence”. If you own a vagina you have no doubt experienced this unfortunate phenomenon at some point in your life. Wikipedia defines it as “an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina”. In my experience, there is no way to “fluff” it and make it be quiet and it always sounds like a Harley motorcycle cruising through some back country (BWAPBAPBAP!). 

Unfortunately for me, inversions are one of those things that have a high likelihood of inducing a queef. I eyed Mike warily during his demonstration and let him know my reservations. Like a true gentleman he assures me he won’t make it weird should a noise be emanated from my body. I took it further saying if that happens he is to claim the sound as his own. So I try and he tells me I need to be more up and down, straighter. So I try again and make the adjustments. The other awful thing about queef’s (in an exercise setting) is that typically the queefer can tell it’s going to happen but no one else can tell. And just like that, I know. It’s going to happen. I am going to make a noise that sounds like a loud wet fart in front of Mike and in a full gym with both friends and strangers.

I said “Hard no! Safe word: Oklahoma. I will NOT do that” and then we laughed about it. Because let’s face it what can you do? It’s an involuntary noise that comes from a culturally taboo body part and sounds horrendous; it’s kind of funny. But Mike understood and didn’t not push me to continue. He suggests maybe this is a home private exercise because it does have its benefits but I know he won’t ask me to do it in public again.