Competitor Blog: And then I got mad - living with a chronic condition

If you have been following me for a while you may have picked up on the fact that, sometimes, I am a train wreck. I struggle with migraines, tension headaches, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) all of which likes to manifest with a whole lot of nausea. I have a list of triggers that I know and some that I am still figuring out. Sometimes I go days or weeks without any issues. Other times it seems like it feels like a competition inside my own body on what is going to break me first. Migraines and IBS flairs both tend to land me in the recliner strategically positioned as to not anger the beast that is within me.

For me, carb heavy things are comforting during a flair up and with nausea. This gets difficult sometimes when trying to keep track of macros. I am very fortunate as to have a fair amount of carbs but not so many as to eat mashed potatoes at every meal.

Sometimes, I get mad and defiant at my own stomach. If I am going to be painful and nauseous anyways why does it even matter what I eat? This is typically when I fall headlong into a crap food bender. I think part of the reason is because I am trying to find some small semblance of comfort, even if it’s emotional comfort or the brain chemical dump of eating sugar and shit.

I have done better this go around, so far, with my emotional eating. But it has happened. I always feel a little guilty after I am done. But honestly who suffers from these decisions? My spouse and family may suffer the backlash of my flair up (we only have one bathroom). Mike may suffer from the frustration of not getting anticipated results. But the person who is paying the real price is me. I am penalizing myself for having ailments that cannot be controlled and throwing a tantrum because of it. I *really* like to control the things in my life. I am putting a long term goal and objective in jeopardy so I can shove easy gratification in my face.

So what am I going to do about it? I am going to acknowledge that I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms like emotional and sometimes binge eating. I am going to try to be more aware of these tendencies. I am going to forgive myself for screwing up. I am going to try to do my best to stick within my macros when I don’t feel well but I am not going to make myself sick(er) over it. I won’t make excuses for eating like crap. Follow people who I find inspirational on IG. People who have a tougher hand dealt to them by life and handle it with way more grace than myself.

It isn’t an exhaustive list but it is a start. I am still going to have to deal with the demons in my brain and belly. I just need to make sure I don’t give them any more fuel.