After my marathon and show highs. I returned to life as I know it. Just one day after another going through the motions. Hitting the gym but with no goals athletically there wasn’t a sense of urgency to do well or anything special. I ate what and when I wanted (although there was always a sense of what I *should* eat in the back of my mind). I started to slip into the thick dark pool of depression.
Here is the “fun” thing about depression, it isn’t really sadness that you feel. It’s apathy. Just a complete lack of feelings. As if inside your body there is just static; a blurry, frantic, nothingness. For me it was like I was split in two. I could see this was happening but I had no drive to do anything. I went weeks before I said anything to my husband. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was at first. Saying it out loud made it more real. I was depressed. Was it the cloudy skies? The sudden loss of a personal goal after three years of something to train for? I had plenty to be happy and thankful for; a husband who helps me, two amazing children, my health is pretty good, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head and a full fridge. Why am I “complaining”? It really doesn’t matter how good you have it, depression doesn’t discriminate.
I didn’t feel like I was quite ready to go to the doctor but I didn’t want to continue this way. I purchased a daylight lamp to start light therapy. I started to make sure I was drinking enough water and getting plenty of sleep at night. Typically, exercise can also help with depression. For me, at least at this point, I was feeling overwhelmed and needed to do a little more of a reboot on self care. A few weeks and I was starting to feel better. The static was quieting inside and I was starting to have feelings again. I talked to my husband and he encouraged doing another show. He thought it might help to have a goal again.
At first I resisted. A show is a lot of commitment and restraint. It’s diligence in measuring and tracking your meals. It’s deciding whether you have the willpower to say no to drinks and bar food if you decide to go out with friends. It’s packing your food so you stay on goal. It’s always planning ahead. It’s time poured into the training; the gym, the heels, the smiling, the sass. It’s ignoring others passing judgement.
All the possible negatives there are there is also a great payoff. I have been told countless times how proud people (the ones who matter) are of me. Of my diligence, restraint, commitment and perseverance. How I have inspired fellow friends to see that they can get fit too. Hearing that I can be an inspiration to others is incredibly uplifting and by far my favorite. But let’s not forget the other pro’s, an amazingly sparkly suit and the shot of bringing home trophies and tiaras.
I jumped and made the commitment. I am doing another show. I am freshly out of my funk and feeling better. This is not the fix for everyone. If I was still struggling at this point I would be in my doctor’s office. You can’t always fix things on your own and that is OK. You are not wrong or broken if you have depression. Sometimes we just need a little a help. Saying it out loud can be scary but I promise I will listen to you.
